Magic and Monkeys: A Magnus Bane Story
by selena8liu
Summary: It's 1941, the US has declared war, and Magnus Bane has declared that the Nazis are utter idiots. Accompanied by a few of his warlock friends, he vows to help a few helpless, innocent people out of the concentration camps. But his plan is foiled when his beloved pet monkey Catarina is taken by the Nazis. Now Magnus has to save both the monkey and the people-but can he?
1. Chapter 1: War

**Hello! So I was thinking about the Bane Chronicles, which I really enjoyed reading, and decided that it would be cool to write something like it, and so... Here it is! I hope you enjoy it!**

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1941

Magnus Bane paced back and forth on his wool carpet, followed by his monkey Catarina and ranting to Catarina Loss (the warlock, not the monkey) about the injustice of it all. "All these Nazis, these so-called fighters for justice, are doing is sealing their own doom. Mark my words, they'll soon be persecuting other people, and someone will take notice. It will be _war_."

"Mhm," said Catarina, unimpressed. Her white hair, stark against her blue skin, slid over her face as she leaned her head down, face in her hands. "I'm having a headache. I think I'll go now and get some much-needed rest."

Magnus sighed as she walked out of the door, wincing because of her "headache."

* * *

When Magnus heard the news two weeks later, he was unsurprised but outraged all the same. He immediately called over Catarina and Magnus, two of his closest friends.

"Come on, what _is_ it with you two? Isn't it time for some adventure and heroism?"

"The last time you tried to say that, we ended up in-" Ragnor began.

"That was pure coincidence! It wasn't _my_ fault, just extremely bad luck!" protested Magnus.

"Whatever you say," said Catarina.

"I don't care what you two are thinking. I'm going to Germany myself and personally helping some of those Jews out of the concentration camps!"

Catarina and Ragnor exchanged looks. "We're coming with you," they announced at the same time.

"I thought so," said Magnus, "although, frankly, I am quite hurt that you trust me so little."

"Nonsense. We trust you very much," said Catarina. "Right, Ragnor?" She looked pointedly at him.

The green-skinned warlock nodded yes. "Of course we trust you. It's just that in some cases you can be, well..."

"_Right_, Ragnor?"

He relented. "Yes, of course."

"Good." Catarina nodded, satisfied. "Now, let's start planning."

"I don't do 'plans,'" Magnus complained, annoyed. "I prefer to just wing it."

"That is _exactly_ the reason we ended up in-" Ragnor started.

"Okay, fine," allowed Magnus. "I'll try this 'planning' of yours."

"Now that that's settled," Catarina said, "let's do some real work."

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**Sorry this chapter was so short... ^^" Hopefully I got the character right for all three of them. Magnus's character, of course, is well-known, but it's still kind of hard to replicate, and we don't really know much about Ragnor and Catarina's. I also tried my best to get the history right... None of the sources were very descriptive, and anyway, I was partly too lazy to look it up. (I'm also really bad at titles, but hey, I tried... right?)**


	2. Chapter 2: Cat Burglar

**The chapter title is literal. Enjoy! (Sorry if any of the characters are OOC. Magnus is easy to write, but the other three? Not so much.)**

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Magnus Bane did not "work." He did not "plan."

He preferred to go with whatever crazy idea he came up with on the spot. That was the way he had always done it, and that was the way he had always expected it to be done.

Therefore, he was none too pleased when Catarina and Ragnor insisted that they come up with a plan.

"-and so we might have to consider-" Catarina was saying.

"Magnus?" Tessa called, stepping into the apartment laden with bags. "I'm back!"

"Tessa!" said Magnus, plainly relieved. "Ragnor and Catarina have decided to come with me to help a few Jews!"

Tessa stopped in her tracks, stunned. After a moment she said to the other two warlocks behind Magnus, "How much did he pay you to come with him?"

"Believe it or not," Ragnor intoned cheerfully, "we chose to come of our own free will."

For some unfathomable reason, Tessa remained unconvinced.

"Tessa," Catarina said, "feel free to come with us and help us restrain our friend from committing any more... reckless acts."

Ragnor muttered something under his breath that sounded suspiciously like "it was a lot more than reckless."

Magnus innocently ignored him.

"Well..." Tessa hesitated. "Okay. I don't want a repeat of-"

"Really, now? You, too?" snapped Magnus, who was quite irritated already. "What is it, pick-on-Magnus's-previous-shortcomings-day?"

"No, that's on Friday," Ragnor muttered. "Today is just annoy-the-idiot-day."

"Ragnor!" Tessa scolded, but even she sounded as if she were fighting down a smile.

Magnus sighed. "Well, at least we're all going together."

Catarina forced a smile. "The more, the merrier, right?"

Seeing everyone's tired expressions, Tessa snapped her fingers, and several cups of steaming coffee appeared. "You all look like you deserve a break. Coffee, anyone?"

* * *

Magnus paced impatiently back and forth, listening to Catarina, Ragnor, and Tessa drone on and on about their supposed strategy. They had agreed that they would go to Auschwitz, where Magnus would scout out the area glamoured as a stray cat, locate some item or other of one of the officers, nab a uniform, and give them to Tessa, who would Change into that officer, "just this once," for Tessa had long ago decided that it wasn't ethical to Change into anyone without their consent.

"Then that's all settled," said Magnus, who was much more eager to actually go than to do any work. "Come on, and let's Portal to Auschwitz!"

"Not so fast," said Catarina. "There's still several problems; where will we stay?"

Magnus pondered this. "Are there any settlements anywhere near Auschwitz?"

"Perhaps," said Tessa, "but I think we ought to prepare for living outside of civilization just in case."

"In other words," Magnus translated, "bring your own food."

* * *

Magnus the Cat scampered across the Auschwitz concentration camp, trying his best to draw a mental map of the place. He was shot at a few times (apparently they didn't believe in humane animal treatment here), but luckily the soldiers he encountered were terrible shots when drunk. Magnus smiled to himself. With so many of the Nazis tipsy, it wouldn't be hard to acquire a uniform and something belonging to one of the higher officers.

He passed two soldiers leaning against a wall, laughing drunkenly. They didn't even notice as he marched in front of them. Then the door behing them creaked open, and out stepped a serious-looking man in a much-fancier uniform who also, unfortunately, looked completely sober. Upon seeing him, the other two men immediately scrambled into place and saluted him, afraid of this man even when intoxicated.

_Great_, thought Magnus, _a mean-looking, sober man who probably shoots at stray cats like the rest of them. And he's probably a good shot, too._ The cat scampered behind a bush and hid there, hoping that the officer wouldn't pursue him.

Unfortunately, the man noticed him. He pointed to the rustling bush and spoke in rapid-fire German. Even Magnus, who knew many languages, couldn't understand him, but the gist was quite clear: "Kick that animal hard and make sure it doesn't come back!"

_He wouldn't want to waste any bullets on a cat,_ thought Magnus. He, however, did not want to get kicked _or_ shot at. He made the glamour run out from the bush and disappear behind another building, then leap over the fence in case there were other soldiers watching.

The sober man shouted at the other two, then marched off in the opposite direction with the others at his tail.

Magnus stretched cautiously out of the bush. He would have to be careful not to be seen again by the same people. Again he glamoured himself as a cat and spotted something winking on the ground. It was a button-the same kind of button that adorned the uniform of the higher-ranking Nazi officer. He picked it up and searched for a matching uniform.

* * *

Magnus found his prize near the eastern end of the concentration camp, where a woman-presumably the wife of one of the soldiers-was washing the laundry. He hid within a clumpy plant, watching, as she scrubbed the pieces of cloth and carefully hung them out to dry on a clothesline. Once she was done, she surveyed her work, arms akimbo, and nodded, satisfied. Then she spun on her heel and walked back into the building. Seizing his chance, Magnus emerged from his hiding place and rifled through the various items of clothing, searching for the uniform that matched the button. At last he found one, a dark-gray outfit with different adornments on it and an epaulette at each shoulder. He looked around to make sure nobody was watching, then touched the barbed-wire fence, which suddenly lost its sharp points. Magnus climbed over the fence and leaped down with his prize.

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**I really hope you enjoyed that! Please review! ^-^**


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